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How to: Lose Weight Without Hindering Your Glorious American Lifestyle

Ok. So it’s probably pretty obvious that you are going to have to change something in your life if you want to lose weight, but if your food pyramid is full of fast food logos, beer, and soda (like mine is) then you are probably going to give up on any dumb salad-centric diet within about 2 hours and pull into the closest Taco Bell. Another thing is exercise — fuck that. I’m a lazy American just like the rest of you, and going out of my way to create and perform simulated physical labor is just not going to happen in 2017. I have been extensively testing this plan for about 4 weeks now, and I have lost about 2 pounds each week. From what the interwebs told me, that is about as fast as you should go for safety reasons so you don’t accidentally turn into a black hole. I’m also going to say that this isn’t necessarily a “healthy diet”, but its basically the same diet that you already have so who actually cares?  Pro Tip: Nobody.

Step 1: Figure out how many calories you should be eating. Go to this website calculator.net and enter in your info to figure out where you should be, and don’t lie about exercising – put lightly active AT MOST.  The US government has conveniently spent your tax money forcing all of the places you eat at to have the calorie content of their food on the internet for you to find on your phone while you’re sitting in the drive-thru waiting to order. Decide if that Triple Baconator and large fry is going to fit into your calorie budget before you order it, and remember you are going to want to eat at least 1 more meal today.

Step 1.2: Willpower. This does actually take some willpower, although not a ton. If you feel full and you haven’t finished your meal – STOP EATING IT. Put it in the refrigerator and eat the rest of it later when you’re hungry again or throw it away. A few tricks to eat less and feel full is to drink water 30 minutes before you eat, eat slow or if you’re impatient like me eat half/most of it and then wait a while to see if the hunger goes away while distracting yourself with something interesting.

Step 2: Protein is your friend. Eggs are ridiculously cheap, only 70 calories each, take only a minute to cook in the microwave, and keep you full for hours, which makes them an amazing food for lazy people. Eat 2 or 3 eggs if you feel hungry and you don’t even have to walk all the way to your car, and drive all the way to a drive thru, and waste all that time that you could have been using to lose at video games because some idiot on your team decided to have an argument with his mom in the middle of the match instead of healing you. Obviously you aren’t going to eat eggs all the time since nobody actually likes eggs, but I also don’t like being fat, and like to see my dick when I look down in the shower, so I manage to include them in my life now. In general, like every single weight loss diet in the history of the earth says, eat foods that have high protein and you will be able to cut calories without feeling like you’re going to starve to death literally all the time.

Step 3: Things you should seriously avoid. Basically in order from worst to less bad: Alcohol, Regular Soda, Bread and french fries. I know you are already losing faith, but I will explain how to mitigate the damages for each thing. Alcohol is probably the reason you are fat in the first place, because as an adult it’s pretty much impossible to be social without alcohol. My advice is to stop drinking during the week and try to only drink 1 night a weekend, visit this website getdrunknotfat.com to find a more efficient way of intoxicating yourself. The soda is an easy one: regular soda has ~180 calories per drink, but diet has zero. In my experience Pepsi Max tastes the most like the real thing, and coke zero taste somewhere between diet coke and regular. Just make the switch and by the end of your first 12 pack you wont even notice.

Philly cheese steaks are easily my favorite food ever. Giving up bread sucks and sometimes I eat it anyways because I’m not going to let some pretentious website tell me how to live my life, but a typical sandwich or hamburger has 30%+ of its calories in the bread which makes it an easy thing to ditch and still be able to eat fast food. Another strike against bread is that it doesn’t keep you feeling full: you can eat 5 slices of bread (400 calories) or a 10-piece chicken nugget from Burger King (430 calories) and you will be able to go much longer on the chicken nuggets without instigating a civil war inside your stomach. For example: a Wendy’s single cheeseburger is 570 calories, if you ditch the bread (180) and the mayo(60) you can almost halve the calories.

It’s no secret that french fries are terrible for you;  just order what you normally get without the fries and you will save quite a bit of calories and for the most part still be satisfied. If your girlfriend dumps you and you have any willpower left, get a small.

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Matt Martin
The only person insane enough to make a stupid website like this.

2 thoughts on “How to: Lose Weight Without Hindering Your Glorious American Lifestyle

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    Cheers!

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