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How Not to be a Scientist

It was only days before a level 5 hurricane was supposed to hit the land penis of the United States when chief mechromancer and bullshit scientist Matt Martin had a seemingly brilliant idea to record wind speeds of the hurricane.  Using seemingly ancient technology of 3 plastic cups rotating in a circle he decided to climb onto the roof of his house and attach this sensor with some leftover wood screws from the 1980’s.

This sensor was totally a last minute purchase from the shallows of the internet on an early night impulse buy.  Absolute minimal research was done to procure the cheapest ‘probably accurate’ wind speed sensor and it was due to arrive via Amazon only hours before the first bands hit.

After spending a whole 13 consecutive minutes fixing the plywood to the windows of the house, he starting drinking beer and amazingly watched the bicycle speedometer display that was attached to the wind sensor.  To his surprise, despite all the scared sounding social media posts of the neighbors, he was reading low wind speed numbers.  Matt couldn’t hear shit because the plywood covered windows basically turned a house into a hermit’s paradise. Not only can the government not look into your windows anymore, but you can drink beer without hearing your neighbor on their porch bitch about their meaningless job.

“Getting goofy looks from your neighbors while you’re on your roof attaching some kind of plastic alien looking technology is just part of the fun.  They are looking around like the god of death is about to strike down earth, and you are standing on your roof with a shit eating grin and 25 ft of science cable and a staple gun, good times.” – Matt Martin

Unfortunately Matt didn’t have enough time before the storm to properly build a tall enough pole to attach the sensor on so the readings were shit.  He saw a maximum wind speed of something similar to riding a gas powered bicycle (41 mph) throughout the entire “Irma experience”.

So basically unless you consider wind surfing on a skateboard down the street while using a broom handle and a bed sheet as a sail a scientific success, then I am going to call this a totality failure of the science. Still fun as shit though. Make sure you wear a lab coat at least once during the process for authenticity.

In the end, the storm awarded them with the honorary rainbow of approval. Flying high above the weather instrument, the rainbow assured the scientist of a good attempt, and due to its high stature in the sky, it sent a message.  My rainbow language is a little rusty, but it translated to something similar to “Reach as high as you can into the sky for your data, nothing will ever be satisfied by that nubby little unit.  All I want to do is give you all this data, now come up here and get it.”

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Matt Martin
The only person insane enough to make a stupid website like this.

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